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Thursday, January 12, 2012

Wowzers...

Wow, i guess I haven't been on here in a really long time. And I deleted some of my posts that seemed to be just false hopes... Like the rest of my life has seem to be. It seems that i just cant win when it comes to life.. money... love... my kids, sometimes. And it kills me more and more everyday. But, somehow i still seem to wake up each morning with a heartbeat. I guess God has a plan for me. Seems kinda sick and twisted, but I hope it has a happy ending! Someday this will happen, and it will be amazing. I can promise all of you that. Well..... The TWO of you that are following me... hahaha
This past year has been tough for me. A lot of ups and downs. Did some things I'm not proud of, some things i wish I could take back, and some things I wish could have lasted forever. But all of these things have made me a stronger person and made me see what I can truly be capable of at the same time. There are definitely a couple things in the past few months that I would go back and change, not change for bad or wish they never happened. But just change and have them come out with different results. But its all too late now. And Ill have to deal with those things as I move on. That's a part of life I guess. People text me and email me asking how I am and how I'm doing... My only reply is I'm fine. Most of those times I'M NOT. But that's how Ive always had to deal with things. That's how I was raised, take care of things on my own. Fend for myself. That's whats called life.

Ive looked to God a lot in the past year and a half. Someone that was once special in my life helped me find Him. Its changed me a lot. Many people don't know how often I pray or even what I pray for. But I talk to him a lot. Some of those things maybe he didn't answer and some he did. The ones he may not have answered or seen my side of it, well, maybe they were for the best.

But here I am.... Alive. Healthy (as far as I know), and still breathing! My hearts been shattered, cheated, stepped on, tread on, and stabbed... But somehow it still works. My heart goes to anyone that I love anyone that i help when I'm on the ambulance or using my EMT skills. Because that's also how I was raised: put everyone elses needs before my own.

This new year, 2012, is going to be life changing fo rme. I know Ive probably said it before and many people in the world do. But Im doing this for MYSELF. Not any one else. So hold on friends... Its gonna be one heck of a ride!!!

So live life. Deal with the problems. And make each day better than the last.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Hello blog life. Things still seem to go up and down each day for me. Some times hourly! As for my baby mama drama..... I HOPE SHE FALLS OFF A CLIFF SOMEDAY! Once again, I didnt get to see my son this past weekend, because of a 'family event' that 'just came up'. Well, shes gonna learn her lesson one of these days. Ill make sure of it, karma's a beotch!

Its gonna snow some more here tonight, YIPPIE! Not. As much as I do like the cooler weather better, Im ready for the day to wear shorts, flip flops, and stand by a grill cooking some good food and holding a beer ;) And hopefully, just hopefully.... There will be a beautiful woman by my side to enjoy my life with!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

CoNfUsEd!!

Hey my FEW followers... So I know I havent been on here in a while, and it seems I just use my blog as a diary for myself. But oh well, Its my life and I want people to know what the real me is all about. I have a messed up life I thionk, the only true things to me rioght now are my two AMAZING kids and what little family I have left that still want to be apart of my life. I wouldnt give those few things away for anything!!! Ive hurt some people along the way to where Im at now, and pretty much wish I could take all that back and just hurt myself in return. Ive had people tell me that Im a great person amd that I deserve the best. Well, think what you want, cuz I dont deserve that anymore. I had that in front of me before and either had my heart crushed or I crushed someone elses heart. So, Im done with that. Im getting to where I need to stop putting everyone else in my life first, and start taking care of my self. If Im not happy, than the person that is with me isnt happy. Anyway, enough B.S. for now. Ill be back... I promise!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Here we go........

Ok... Nedw day, new week, going to start some new things in my life now! Cant wait to see what people have to say now :) Oh well, HERE GOES!!!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

I would like to start out by saying thank you to anyone that has looked at my blogs. I havent been on in a while, but would like to change that. Im going to try something new with my life right now. Im absolutely broke and work a ton and yet have nothing to show for it. I was surfing the internet about a month ago and found a work from home business thing. Im going to try this. not just for myself, but for my family and loved ones. i want to have a life again and the money to do it. so.... here goes!!! PRAY FOR ME!!! :)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

i found a little bit ago just how much of a bad son i really am. i have no one to share my feelings with besides my sister really.... and she lives fifteen hours away from me. ill never be able to fix what i have done, nor would my dad even understand. my life is a complete failure, and i know that. i dont need people to tell me. right now i just could use a hug, and yet cant even get that.....