Wowzers...

Wow, i guess I haven't been on here in a really long time. And I deleted some of my posts that seemed to be just false hopes... Like the rest of my life has seem to be. It seems that i just cant win when it comes to life.. money... love... my kids, sometimes. And it kills me more and more everyday. But, somehow i still seem to wake up each morning with a heartbeat. I guess God has a plan for me. Seems kinda sick and twisted, but I hope it has a happy ending! Someday this will happen, and it will be amazing. I can promise all of you that. Well..... The TWO of you that are following me... hahaha

This past year has been tough for me. A lot of ups and downs. Did some things I'm not proud of, some things i wish I could take back, and some things I wish could have lasted forever. But all of these things have made me a stronger person and made me see what I can truly be capable of at the same time. There are definitely a couple things in the past few months that I would go back and change, not change for bad or wish they never happened. But just change and have them come out with different results. But its all too late now. And Ill have to deal with those things as I move on. That's a part of life I guess. People text me and email me asking how I am and how I'm doing... My only reply is I'm fine. Most of those times I'M NOT. But that's how Ive always had to deal with things. That's how I was raised, take care of things on my own. Fend for myself. That's whats called life.

Ive looked to God a lot in the past year and a half. Someone that was once special in my life helped me find Him. Its changed me a lot. Many people don't know how often I pray or even what I pray for. But I talk to him a lot. Some of those things maybe he didn't answer and some he did. The ones he may not have answered or seen my side of it, well, maybe they were for the best.

But here I am.... Alive. Healthy (as far as I know), and still breathing! My hearts been shattered, cheated, stepped on, tread on, and stabbed... But somehow it still works. My heart goes to anyone that I love anyone that i help when I'm on the ambulance or using my EMT skills. Because that's also how I was raised: put everyone elses needs before my own.

This new year, 2012, is going to be life changing fo rme. I know Ive probably said it before and many people in the world do. But Im doing this for MYSELF. Not any one else. So hold on friends... Its gonna be one heck of a ride!!!

So live life. Deal with the problems. And make each day better than the last.